In my twenty years in the field, which is about three in human terms, I have encountered every kind of suspect. Here are the six main types, with notes on how to spot them.
The Innocent Looker
This suspect has big eyes, a soft face and a way of tilting the head. They did it. The tilt is a tactic. Do not be moved by the tilt.
The Sleeper
This suspect is found asleep at the scene. They claim to have been asleep the whole time. Check the paws. A suspect who has been asleep all day will not have a feather on the nose.
The Over Explainer
This suspect volunteers too much. “I was in the kitchen, near the bin, because I like bins, not because of the thing that happened to the bin.” Let them talk. They will incriminate themselves in forty seconds.
The Silent Type
This suspect says nothing and looks out of the window. A silence of this length is a confession in disguise. Wait. Eventually they will turn, and they will blink once, and that will be enough.
The Accomplice
This suspect is seldom caught at the scene. They are found standing near the main culprit, a few steps back, with a look of mild interest. Their guilt is shared, but they will always claim it was the other cat.
The Dog
Not a suspect. Almost never a suspect. Dogs are too honest to commit a good crime, and too loud to commit a bad one.
How to question a suspect
- Choose a quiet room
- Sit slightly higher than the suspect
- Offer a small treat, then withdraw it
- Ask the same question three times in different ways
- Pause for a long time, then ask, “Anything else?”
The truth is a shy animal. It comes out when you stop looking at it.
A word of caution
Detective work is not for everyone. It is lonely, long and often involves lying in a box. But for those who feel the call, I say this: bring a coat, bring a torch, and do not trust anyone who offers you a cuddle on the first visit.
Please note this is a fictional agency and a parody guide. No real suspects were questioned.