Every one of us will, at some point, need an alibi. It might be for a vase, a plant or a very small piece of cheese. A good alibi is a work of art. Here is how to write one.
Step one: be elsewhere
An alibi must start with the simple fact that you were not where the thing happened. Choose a place that is dull, nearby and impossible to check. A good example is “the other room, looking at the wall.”
Step two: be specific, but not too specific
A general claim sounds suspicious. “I was in the garden” is weak. “I was at the bottom of the garden, near the third bush, looking at a snail” is stronger. But do not add details that can be disproved. The snail may have left.
Step three: have a witness
A witness need not be reliable. A bird will do. A neighbour will do. A reflection in a window will do, if it nods.
Step four: show no hurry
Walk slowly. Blink slowly. Do not run away from the scene. A running animal is a guilty animal, in the oldest sense.
Step five: stay calm
If asked a question, wait. Take a long moment. Look at the ceiling. Say, “I would have to think.” A calm creature is a credible creature.
Step six: offer something helpful
“I did hear a noise,” you might say. “It came from over there.” Point, with confidence, to the opposite side of the room.
Common mistakes
- Saying too much
- Saying too little
- Having a feather on your face
- Being found asleep in the broken vase
An alibi is a story you tell before anyone asks.
A final warning
This is a satirical guide and not an invitation to fib. In real life, please own up to your errors, say sorry and help to sweep up the glass. Honesty, in the long run, makes for a better detective and a better friend.
If you need a professional alibi, our agency can provide one for a modest fee of two sardines.