TO: All detectives
FROM: Chief Inspector Noir
RE: The magnifying glass
Colleagues. The agency owns one magnifying glass. It is a fine instrument, and it is also the only one we have. Following several incidents, I am issuing the following rules.
Rule one: the glass is for looking
It is not for burning, warming or catching light. It is not a toy. It is not a snack. In particular, it is not to be placed on the windowsill at 2:00 PM, since this is the hour at which the sun is strongest, and our carpet is not insured.
Rule two: no licking
A magnifying glass is made of glass. It does not taste of anything, and it will leave a smear on the evidence. Constable Fig, you know what you did.
Rule three: check the handle
The handle is attached to the glass with a small screw. If it comes loose, please report it. Do not repair it yourself, since you have paws.
Rule four: share
The glass may be borrowed by any detective for up to thirty minutes. After thirty minutes, it must be returned to the hook. Detectives who hide the glass will be demoted to the position of assistant, and the assistant will be demoted to a cushion.
What the glass is for
- Examining footprints
- Reading small print
- Looking suspicious
- Making a suspect feel observed
- Making yourself look much larger than you are
Notable incidents
On the 12th, Detective Sergeant Crumpet used the glass to inspect a crumb. He found it was a crumb. On the 19th, Constable Fig held the glass up to his own eye and fell off a shelf. On the 22nd, an unidentified detective used it to magnify a mouse, which then looked at us, and we were all sorry.
The glass reveals what is there. It does not reveal what you wish was there.
Next steps
A second magnifying glass has been requisitioned from Facilities. It will arrive in about five years. Until then, please use the existing glass with care and with respect.
Thank you for your attention. This meeting is adjourned. I am going to look at the wall.