The Hiss and Tell Detective Agency is pleased to announce the promotion of Constable Fig to the rank of Detective. The decision follows a remarkable incident on the night of the 3rd.
The incident
At around 2:00 AM, a person entered the agency’s offices by an open window. The person was attempting, as far as we can tell, to steal a stapler. Constable Fig, who was on night duty, was found asleep on the filing cabinet.
Nothing was taken. The would be burglar, on seeing the sleeping constable, assumed he was dead. He fled, shouting, and was later detained by a passing dog.
The reasoning
The Chief Inspector explained the promotion in a statement.
“A constable who stays calm in the face of crime is rare. A constable who remains unconscious is rarer still. Fig has shown a commitment to the quiet side of detection that we find inspiring.”
Fig’s responsibilities
In his new role, Detective Fig will be expected to:
- Sit on files
- Attend meetings, at least in body
- Look vaguely knowing
- Answer the telephone, within a reasonable time
Response from the team
The team has welcomed the news. Detective Sergeant Crumpet described Fig as “a great sleeper and a good listener.” Another colleague said that he was “fine.” A third said nothing, since she was also asleep.
Fig’s statement
Detective Fig gave a short statement on being asked for comment. “I did not know it was happening,” he said. “I am very grateful. I will do my best.”
He then fell asleep again.
A note on pay
Detective Fig will receive a raise of one sardine per week. This is in addition to his current pay of two. The agency regrets that no further budget is available at this time.
Looking ahead
The agency continues to grow. We have three open cases, a small pile of correspondence and a water cooler that is leaking. We expect a busy autumn.
Congratulations, Detective Fig. We look forward to seeing you, at some point, awake.