Clients often ask what it costs to hire the Hiss and Tell Detective Agency. We have never answered clearly. Today, we correct that failing.
Standard services
- Finding a lost sock: one sardine, plus a second sardine if it is a pair
- Finding a lost key: two sardines, or one tuna tin if the key is in a coat
- Finding a lost cat: free, as she is usually under the bed
- Finding a lost temper: not offered
- Finding something you did not lose: three sardines, and a conversation
Surveillance
A day of observation costs one tin of tuna. A night of observation costs two, because of the cold. A fortnight costs whatever the client has in the cupboard.
Interrogation
We charge by the stare. A short stare, of under a minute, is free. A medium stare, of up to five minutes, costs a treat. A long stare is billed at the end, and the client will know.
Cold cases
Cold cases are charged at a flat rate of one blanket. The blanket is for the investigator and is not returned.
Extras
- A trench coat, if required: one hat
- A dramatic monologue in the rain: one cup of cream
- A final reveal in a drawing room: three biscuits, and a drawing room
What is included
Every case includes a written report, a verbal summary and a moment of silence. We also include a stern look at the suspect, if one is found, and a different look for the client, if they are late with the fee.
We do not charge for failure. We charge for effort, which is invariably high.
Terms
Payment is due on resolution. If the case is not resolved, payment is due anyway, as the mystery is itself a service. We do not offer refunds. We offer sympathy, which is also not refundable.
A note on honesty
The agency is fictional, the prices are fictional and the sardines are real only in spirit. Any similarity to an actual detective firm is coincidence.
To book, leave a note on the doormat. A cat will read it, or sit on it.