Dear Mrs Atherton,
Thank you for your letter of the 14th, in which you state your belief that your neighbour, Mr Plum, is a dog wearing a hat. The agency takes all enquiries seriously, including this one.
Initial assessment
We note your points.
- Mr Plum leaves home at the same time each day
- Mr Plum is seen walking in a straight line
- Mr Plum is, in your words, “extremely friendly and somewhat damp”
- Mr Plum has never been seen eating a sandwich
We regret to say that these are not conclusive. Many humans walk in straight lines. Some are damp. A number of them are friendly.
Our investigation
Chief Inspector Noir visited Mr Plum on Thursday. He sat on the wall, and observed the man for six hours. At 2:15 PM, Mr Plum came out of his house and threw a stick. Then he looked at it for some time and said, “Oh dear.”
We found no tail. We found no collar. We found, on the doormat, a pair of shoes that were definitely human shoes, and a hat that was, we believe, a hat.
Findings
Mr Plum is a man. He is a man with an unusual fondness for sticks. We recommend that you treat him with kindness and that you not report him to anyone.
Not every mystery has a villain. Some of them just have a neighbour.
Fees
Our fee for the investigation is two tins of tuna and a small plate of liver. We have enclosed an invoice, which is a drawing of a fish.
A further note
In our experience, a person who writes to a detective agency about a neighbour is often looking for company. We suggest that you invite Mr Plum round for tea. If he is a dog, he will bring the hat, and you will have your answer. If he is a man, you will have a friend.
We remain at your service, and in your debt for the tuna.
Yours faithfully, Chief Inspector Whisker Noir.
This letter is fictional and not real advice. If you have a genuine concern about a neighbour, please contact the appropriate local authority.